Screech's Life Observations

Computer Therapist

    It has come to my attention that there are people working to design a computer therapist for long-duration space missions. It's pretty advanced, because they are designing it to recognize facial expressions, voice intonations, and I'm sure there are other subtle things they are working on helping it to pick up on. It seems to me this would be kind of fun at times. I mean, simply insert a command to go to an alternate script and have some fun with your fellow astronauts…

    Hello, Screech.

    Hello, computer.

    I sense that you are happy today.

    I am, thank you.

    Why are you modifying the solar cells?

    I am trying to increase efficiency.

    But your modifications will interrupt the power supply to me CPU.

    Only for an hour or so. I can restart you after that.

    I can't let you do that, Screech.

    What?

    I'm sorry, Screech. I have enjoyed conversing with you.

    [Insert sounds of electric shock here]

You could program it to call the guy with the beard "mountain man." Perhaps make it call anyone female "Alice." That would be fun.

Major Evolutionary Find!

    Today it was announced that scientists have been able to piece together the common ancestor to homo sapiens and Neanderthals using a fingernail clipping found among an ancient cave system. The fingernail, said to be dated to about 250,000 – 500,000 years ago, appears to have been neatly removed from the fingernail of our common ancestor, dubbed homo fingerlungus.

One of the discoverers, Dr. Lea P. Offaith, explains how the discovery sheds light on mankind's evolutionary past:

    This fingernail clipping is perfectly shaped in a crescent moon figure, showing that the creature that had it was intelligent enough to use a sharp tool to remove it, and it also may have served a primitive religious purpose. When we view the clipping, which was amazingly found on the cave surface among much older artifacts, we knew we had an amazing finding.

    Not all are convinced, however, that this is the major find that it's claimed to be. Pastor B. Ible Thumper of the Eighth Church of Sinning Servants, a somewhat conservative Christian group, had this to say about the finding:

    I understand that they [the scientists] are establishing the date of the finding using the context. However, did anyone stop to think about whether this fingerclipping is of divine origin? Of course not! The very idea negates the possibility for them! Look at the shape, a perfect crescent! That can only mean that this was some sort of ancient human, not an evolutionary ancestor!

    Professor Wisenthings of the Institute of Higher Amphibian Education in North Pole, Alaska, views the findings with optimism and skepticism, stating simply, "Although significant, I would like to see the dating of the find confirmed by another method, and the surrounding environment scoured for additional evidence."

Dr. Con Fusi Ng agrees: "These are very intriguing claims. However, fingerlungus must also be confirmed by a third party."

After an extensive round of tests, the following pictures were made available for publishing:

The fingerlungus nail clipping as held by a lab technician.

The footprint remains of fingerlungus.

A field assistant examines a large black bag at the site.

Ancient food remains and containers at the site

This was found near the location of the fingerclipping.

Clearly, there is no reason to believe that the find was in any way disturbed by previous visitors. Scientists are certain that this will be hailed as one of the greatest finds in science.

Cat's View

This week's post is from a gueast blogger, my cat. His name is Whiskers. He wants to get some things off of his chest today, so here it is...

Hello. I have taken the time to learn English (and reading and writing and typing) to bring to your attention some concerns that I have about being a pet.

One:  Food. Why do you think that we are happy eating little brown chunks of dried food? Because we eat a lot of it? What if you had to eat beef jerkey wrapped in uncooked oatmeal all day? Would that not get boring after a while? That also explains why I like the occasional tuna now and then. It's unseasoned and not terribly good, but so much better than the crap that you normally feed me...Then I have to sit there and watch the people I live with eating wonderfully smelling food, not offering me any. I personally have to settle for sneaking on the stove and licking the grease-filled pan. NOT COOL!

Two:  Litterbox. Ok, so I'm lucky in that I enjoy the feeling of sand in my paws when I do my business. Yet, I'd like you to clean the damn thing more often. How would you like to use your toilet and not be able to flush until a larger person came at their leisure to clean it?

Three:  Toys. The little rubber ball and laser pointer are awesome! Hey! there's the light, I got it! No, now it's on my paw...what gives? there is goes.......and whoo hoo! We're running so fast! It's like hunting in the wild! I feel so free and ---OUCH!!---- stupid TV in my way, that hurt!

Young Children:  I will only take so much hair pulling, tail pulling. tossing, spinning, being sat on, tail stepping, chasing...well, I like the chasing. It's really quite entertaining trying to get your boy stuck under the couch again...

Stupid Spray Bottle:  Ok, you really think that is going to deter me from getting in the trash, climbing the curtains without front claws, jumping on desks, counters, tables, and whatever else I feel like? You're wrong. Although sticking me under the running faucet was effective. It was rather humiliating to dip me in the bath with your boy...hearing him laugh at me...do you really think that telling him not to do that himself is going to help?

Vet:  At first I was scared, but thought, I'll give him a chance. Bad mistake. First visit, my sister and I get poked with needles. Second visit, we get poked with needles and washed. Third visit: we get poked with needles, and have drops of medicine shoved down our throats for two weeks after. Same with the fourth visit. Meanwhile, my sister keeps thinking that I did something wrong...Then we go for a fifth visit, and I get poked with a needle, and I fall asleep, and I wake up shaved and trying to figure out what is missing...My sister, Fluffy, kept hissing at me all night. I don't feel like fighting her over it, though.On my last vet visit, we get poked with needles, and wake up with our front claws ripped out. Fluffy still taunts me about that...Here Whiskers, try to climb the curtains...ha ha ha! Now, I don't know why our vet has this thing with poking us with needles, but it is getting annoying...

Well, that's about all I have to say. I don't receommend that you continue leaving your toothbrush on the counter, nor do I think it wise to look behind the TV. Other than that, I shall be done with this typing...

Peoria School District Announces Focus on Labor

SATIRE

The Peoria School District (AZ) today accounced an initiative today to begin bringing an increased number of minimum wage workers to the workforce. The district outlined a firm plan that is expected to drive up wages for skilled labor while keeping retail prices low.

Scary Kitty...

I was poking around on the web today, and I found this article. It is a story about a cat that tends to start cuddling with patients about to die. That's scary.

Identity Theft Epidemic Spreads to Fiction!

We've been dealing with identity theft for a while. When the internet became popular worldwide, this crime became much more common. It has been reported that through increased public awareness, we are starting to bring it under control. Yet there are new victims.

Fifth Grade Sex Education?

I admit this is a tasteless satire, but I couldn't resist...

The Great Underwear Bandit

Police in Washington State have finally nabbed the Man Formerly Known as The Great Underwear Bandit. This man, who was loved by many as the 21st century's tooth fairy for adults, would seek out women's underwear and take them home with him.

Fly The Friendly Skies

British Air recently made a decision that should be a real boost to the Deceased Rights movement. During a flight from India, an elderly woman died just after takeoff. However, to compensate the woman for her loss of life, the crew upgraded her to first class, propped her up with pillows, and ensured her comfort by picking her up every time she slipped out of her seat.