Screech's Life Observations

Tests and Specialists

As far as I can tell, the only thing special about specialists is that they have esSPECIALly long waits. My tests showed no brain damage. My doctor said they examined my head and there was nothing there. I told him I'd rather hear that the test was clear, but I'll accept that.

It means no tumors or dead tissue. It also means that there is proper blood flow to the brain. So now we have to figure out what the problem is. I now have episodes with pretty much any conversation. If I miss one of my medications things get better, but my doctor doesn't want me to stop taking it because it may be making the problem easier to figure out. So I get to stay home indefinately.

I am sure glad that I bought both short term and long term disability. Two months out of work is a lot and the money must keep coming in. Since I can read and write ok, I've changed my minor to computer programming. Specializing in the .NET architecture. I don't know what they means yet. That's why I'm taking the classes. I would like to go back to work, but I simply can't maintain a conversation long enough to be effective. It really sucks.

What do I do? Well, my family has gotten good and "filling in the blanks" for me. My son thinks its funny, which is a bit demoralizing, but he doesn't really understand it. I've noticed that I'm not angry or sad or scared anymore. I'm anxious. This means that I just want answers. I want to know if I will have this problem for the rest of my life. I want to know if it can be fixed. I want to know what the hell it is. On the plus side, at least I don't talk too much anymore.

Have you ever talked with someone in their 80's? Normally they are slow and deliberate in their speech. That is me right now. I have to think through every word. I think that is why I get tired and confused so quickly. It is a lot of effort; like trying to speak in a language that you never quite master. Each word is a struggle.

I learned today that Tamara (a coworker of mine) is moving on to bigger and better things. I might show up next week to say hi. I'm curious if my badge still works, anyway. So if you're reading this at the office, whomever gets the highest amount of apps for Monday gets to raid my prize drawer! Actually I'm going to move them to Matt's desk. Again, proper leveraging.

Well, I have things to do that allow me to pretend to be busy. Bye! 

Tests

   Yesterday I had my tests. We found some clogging of my arteries leading into my brain. What does that mean? I don't really know. However, I do know that I am sensitive to blockages such as these and even if the blood flow is normal I can have symptoms. So I figure that if we combine that with my heart and my medications, I probably need to change some dosages. We'll see. I have my dr appt the middle of next week. I feel better, though, because I have an idea of what is wrong.

I've Been Working on the Railroad!

I had a very good day today, and now the sledgehammers are back! I didn't tell my wife how bad it hurts because we just bought her a new car and I don't want to ruin the day for her. Besides, there isn't anything that can be done. I only had a few episodes today. I have been trying to push this whole thing to the back of my mind for some time now.

This Week So Far

   So far this week I've done ok. Over the weekend I kept getting confused while playing cards and had to go very slow whenever my turn came. Everyone noticed, but we all bore it with good humor. It makes me feel a little better that nobody mentions it all the time. My wife has gotten good at filling in the blanks for me and my daughter does the same. I think its a bit funny how quickly we have all adjusted.

Feeling OK

     Well, Brooke seems to be mad at me. I'm assuming typical teenage stuff. I'll respect her privacy and not give details. I still get tired easily. My sugars were in the 200-25- range for a good part of this week but today it has been 100-150 or so.

     I had a massice headache creep up on me today. Back right side of my head. It felt like I has being hit with a sledgehammer! Lasted for a few minutes and I lost all the usual words during that time period and then some. I'm hoping that it has something to do with whatever is taking my speech. Then at least it is something I can throw my frustrations at instead of the all-consuming Great Wall of Blank. Life is what it is.

     I'm gonna have a heart to heart with Brooke today. Hopefully find some common ground. I don't believe in the "my way or the highway" philosophy unless it is absolutely necessary. I try to remember how I was at that age and I guess really all I can do is try to learn to listen better. Since I don't like to talk too much anymore it should not be too hard. I don't think that she knows about this. So nobody tell her she was the last one to find out, ok?

   Gotta go. Later people.

Feeling pretty good today. I was playing chess with Conner and I lost a word once. He made fun of it a little (not being mean-spirited, though). He also thinks about three or four moves ahead. He is getting good at forcing me to move pieces where he wants me to go. I will have to find a chess partner who is above me to teach him any more. He is starting to surpass me...:-)

Just a quick goodnight. Feeling ok, just spoke with my Dad. Hit the wall three times. Other than that was ok as long as I spoke slow so it was a good talk. Just got tired of talking quickly.

Feeling Strange

     When I start thinking about it, I feel completely normal today. Well rested, not wanting to eat everything in sight, etc... When I try to talk, within a few moments I find it difficult. I lose words, but can get them out eventually. I'm going to the lake with my Wife, son, and some friends. Brooke can't make it. That really bums me out, but I got about 7 years or so before she starts to realize I'm not such a bad guy.

 

   I find it interesting to watch myself. I go through lots of periods of self-pity and frustration. I try to be normal and this thing sneaks up on me! I do my best to laugh it off and simply accept it, but when I am used to feeling eloquent in my speech (especially while drinking :-)) it feels like a big loss. My Mom gave me a good way to look at things...All of those times when I was younger and didn't know when to stop talking...I actually did know, but my timing is several years off! That's funny.

   I basically made this blog public with people from work, friends (I have one or two...) and family. It is most convenient for me to share these events in my life this way (no repitition). I haven't told Brooke yet, but she'll find out soon enough. I started writing essays of things I believe and why, both secularly and spiritually. I feel like it is a way to speak later on if this ever gets worse.

   I feel kinda down now. It is quite the roller coaster for me. My wife and I are getting good at playing with the dr office admin people. I never realized how incompetence can be contageous, but it seems whenever someone new comes on, things get better and then get worse. I wonder if they are overloaded or if it is something else?

   Gotta go, I'm making dinner tonight:-)

Another Morning

I slept better last night than in almost a year. Of course, it is probably due to this medication I'm trying. It is making me dizzy this morning, although I didn't feel like this yesterday. My brother says that my language symptoms can be caused by diabetes. That still leaves the problem with restricted bloodflow to an area of my brain. We'll see. I got to do some bloodwork today. Then I will hopefully know when my MRI and Ultrasound will be scheduled by noon.

Lost in a Sea of Fatigue

 

I’m having a difficult time this evening. I tried to speak with my mom and quickly grew tired. It was like a Great Wall of Blank was rushing to stop me. It was a lot for me to bear. I did some research and learned that these symptoms can be early forms for dementia, stroke, cancer, and other not so pleasant causes. All of them have some hope of recovery and treatment except dementia, then it is just trying to slow it down. I find myself wondering how my life is going to change. I love my wife dearly and fear that I am going to become a great burden. I am happy that I can still read and write ok. At least I have some ability to communicate. I find that if I go slow, I can still think things through. My feelings are summed up well by this quote from an Awake! article in February, 8, 1998, page 6. “I feel as though I’m in some other body, as though I’m somebody else, not the same person I was before the stroke.”

 

This blog helps me to deal with it, even though I don’t really like sharing such things. It’s a way for my family to communicate with me by posting comments. I can also incorporate some computer programming which I find I can still do so that is good. I still have hope that this isn’t a permanent situation. Yet I think of the suffering my wife will go through (and my daughter and son) when I can’t speak with them as I used to or for as long. I keep thinking that it’s something else and I will get better, but every time I speak more than a few sentences, I lose words and thoughts. Every time I ignore that and try to speak longer, I get lost and confused. I even forget who I’m speaking with on the phone for a few moments.

 

I remember being able to speak to large audiences and be thought well of. To be able to teach others in person. Now I feel like I’m losing all of that. I’m lost in my sea of blank and am just trying to get through the now. I do find a lot of comfort in prayer. I speak to Jehovah a lot lately. I’m too embarrassed to go to any meetings, even though I know I would be welcomed and Jehovah would make sure I get comfort there. I just don’t like being in public and around people any more. Right now my favorite scriptures are:

 

• (Revelation 21:4) ⁴ And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”
• (Philippians 4:6-7) ⁶ Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let YOUR petitions be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard YOUR hearts and YOUR mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.
• (Isaiah 65:21-25) ²¹ And they will certainly build houses and have occupancy; and they will certainly plant vineyards and eat [their] fruitage. ²² They will not build and someone else have occupancy; they will not plant and someone else do the eating. For like the days of a tree will the days of my people be; and the work of their own hands my chosen ones will use to the full. ²³ They will not toil for nothing, nor will they bring to birth for disturbance; because they are the offspring made up of the blessed ones of Jehovah, and their descendants with them. ²⁴ And it will actually occur that before they call out I myself shall answer; while they are yet speaking, I myself shall hear. ²⁵ “The wolf and the lamb themselves will feed as one, and the lion will eat straw just like the bull; and as for the serpent, his food will be dust. They will do no harm nor cause any ruin in all my holy mountain,” Jehovah has said.
• (Romans 6:23) ²³ For the wages sin pays is death, but the gift God gives is everlasting life by Christ Jesus our Lord.
• (Isaiah 33:24) ²⁴ And no resident will say: “I am sick.” The people that are dwelling in [the land] will be those pardoned for their error.
•  (Job 33:25) ²⁵ Let his flesh become fresher than in youth; Let him return to the days of his youthful vigor.’

“I hope these posts help someone out one day, because I can bear many things if it helps another.