I’m having a difficult time this evening. I tried to speak with my mom and quickly grew tired. It was like a Great Wall of Blank was rushing to stop me. It was a lot for me to bear. I did some research and learned that these symptoms can be early forms for dementia, stroke, cancer, and other not so pleasant causes. All of them have some hope of recovery and treatment except dementia, then it is just trying to slow it down. I find myself wondering how my life is going to change. I love my wife dearly and fear that I am going to become a great burden. I am happy that I can still read and write ok. At least I have some ability to communicate. I find that if I go slow, I can still think things through. My feelings are summed up well by this quote from an Awake! article in February, 8, 1998, page 6. “I feel as though I’m in some other body, as though I’m somebody else, not the same person I was before the stroke.”
This blog helps me to deal with it, even though I don’t really like sharing such things. It’s a way for my family to communicate with me by posting comments. I can also incorporate some computer programming which I find I can still do so that is good. I still have hope that this isn’t a permanent situation. Yet I think of the suffering my wife will go through (and my daughter and son) when I can’t speak with them as I used to or for as long. I keep thinking that it’s something else and I will get better, but every time I speak more than a few sentences, I lose words and thoughts. Every time I ignore that and try to speak longer, I get lost and confused. I even forget who I’m speaking with on the phone for a few moments.
I remember being able to speak to large audiences and be thought well of. To be able to teach others in person. Now I feel like I’m losing all of that. I’m lost in my sea of blank and am just trying to get through the now. I do find a lot of comfort in prayer. I speak to Jehovah a lot lately. I’m too embarrassed to go to any meetings, even though I know I would be welcomed and Jehovah would make sure I get comfort there. I just don’t like being in public and around people any more. Right now my favorite scriptures are:
- (Revelation 21:4) 4 And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”
- (Philippians 4:6-7) 6 Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let YOUR petitions be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard YOUR hearts and YOUR mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.
- (Isaiah 65:21-25) 21 And they will certainly build houses and have occupancy; and they will certainly plant vineyards and eat [their] fruitage. 22 They will not build and someone else have occupancy; they will not plant and someone else do the eating. For like the days of a tree will the days of my people be; and the work of their own hands my chosen ones will use to the full. 23 They will not toil for nothing, nor will they bring to birth for disturbance; because they are the offspring made up of the blessed ones of Jehovah, and their descendants with them. 24 And it will actually occur that before they call out I myself shall answer; while they are yet speaking, I myself shall hear. 25 “The wolf and the lamb themselves will feed as one, and the lion will eat straw just like the bull; and as for the serpent, his food will be dust. They will do no harm nor cause any ruin in all my holy mountain,” Jehovah has said.
- (Romans 6:23) 23 For the wages sin pays is death, but the gift God gives is everlasting life by Christ Jesus our Lord.
- (Isaiah 33:24) 24 And no resident will say: “I am sick.” The people that are dwelling in [the land] will be those pardoned for their error.
- (Job 33:25) 25 Let his flesh become fresher than in youth; Let him return to the days of his youthful vigor.’
“I hope these posts help someone out one day, because I can bear many things if it helps another.
because I can bear many things if it helps another.
You always have something to benefit others with, even when ill. And...to some extent, especially when ill. Because, at that time, you are in a place that, sooner or later, all of us will be in. By bearing it as gracefully as you can, you set an example. Tell em at the KH you're not feeling well...you're still having tests....you don't know how it will turn out, etc. Keeping all barriers down will bring out the best in both yourself and the friends.
And I didn't know at all that you were ill till coming upon these posts today. Sorry to hear it, Screech. Wish you and yours all the best.
Posted by: Tom Sheepandgoats | September 04, 2010 at 07:52 PM