SATIRE
The Peoria School District (AZ) today accounced an initiative today to begin bringing an increased number of minimum wage workers to the workforce. The district outlined a firm plan that is expected to drive up wages for skilled labor while keeping retail prices low.
"We are very excited about this program, as are our sponsors, Wal-Mart, Motorola, and Microsoft. We feel that this is good for everyone," said Mr. Paul Ride.
When it was pointed out to Mr. P. Ride that Wal-Mart, Motorola, and Microsoft are strong believers in education, and in fact they are not in any way a part of this new experiment, he simply replied, "they will be."
The new cirriculum focuses on basic reading skills, minor writing skills ("just enough to fill out a job application," said Mr. Ride), and enough math to ensure they can count to 40. Things like Science, History, Social Studies, and other "non-essential" education subjects will be minimized,
"Let's face it," said Mr. Ride, "our future janitors and landscapers don't need to know these things. It only helps them forge an opinion, which is detrimental to the American Political Process."
Parents however, have a more pragmatic point of view.
Mrs. B. Kerchic said, "my son is old enough to know what he wants. He can count good to buy beer and cigarettes, and knows enough reading to get the right brands. What else does he need?"
Mr. Harde T. Ime had similar opinions, "I know how the world works. I'm glad that they are teaching my kids the facts of life. Nobody cares. It's just about the money."
The Presidential nominees could not be reached for comment, although it is rumored that neither Barak Obama or John McCain have heard of this initiative.
How is it supposed to work? Well, since test scores are plummeting, it was decided that teachers were diversifying too much in the education process, and so the cirriculum was cut back. "The expected result is a whole new flock of people trained to work manual labor jobs, with no hope of college. This will keep the cost of labor down as we kick out immigrants wherever possible. The others schools can focus on future leaders. We will focus on future followers," Ms. Ida N. Otcare, Director of Education for USHK (Universal School of Hard Knocks).
When asked to elaborate, Ms. Otcare stated, "look. It is a fact of life that not everyone can be successful. So we figure lets teach some kids how to be unsuccessful. They need skills that they will actually use, like counting money and reading want ads. Why are we filling them up with science and history when all that teaches them is ambition? The great thing about our program is that TV can make up for whatever we miss."
"It's a sad state of things in education when we don't focus on helping those who have no chance in life. We need to teach these kids how to find unskilled jobs quickly so they don't waste time in high school. Why waste all of these resources on children who won't make it anyway? Let's be realistic. We need lots of cheap labor, and here is where we can get it domestically," Mr. Dumas, parent.
“our future janitors and landscapers don't need to know these things.”
Even the “growth industries” today in the U.S. are a little scary. Good careers abound in education and health care. Check any want ads and that’s where the best jobs are. That’s well and good, I guess, but can you really build an economy on them?
Posted by: Tom Sheepandgoats | April 24, 2008 at 09:57 AM